Mummy, let me feel!!

There was a time, not so long ago, when my daughter (currently 8 years old) did not like to talk about uncomfortable feelings like sadness, fear, and especially shame. She didn’t like talking about her own feelings or other people’s. Whenever I mentioned feeling words or started to guess people’s feelings, she would ask me to stop and sometimes even run away, particularly if it was about her feelings.

Then, the other night, something happened and I expressed some frustration that wasn’t aimed at her and she started blaming herself. I asked her not to take it on, told her it was my responsibility too and that there was no need for her to blame herself. She turned to me and said:

“Mummy, just let me feel ashamed!!”

Well, I was stunned. I thanked her for the reminder, sat her on my knee and held her as the feelings moved through her. Then we talked about it and it was all over.

Emotional intelligence in our children comes from how we model it to them. If we are not allowing ourselves to feel uncomfortable feelings, then that’s what they are learning to do as well. Every time we reach for food or wine or the phone or blame or analyse instead of connecting with our feelings, we are teaching them to do the same.

As an adult, learning to really feel my feelings has been a process and a journey. In the early years of this journey, my kids thought it was a bit weird and rather funny. If I guessed the feelings of kids at school that they told me about, they would say “No mama, he’s just mean!”. Then I noticed my son starting to use more feeling words about himself and others and asking me to hug him when he was sad or to stay with him when he was angry.

And finally, my daughter, the one who would run away with her hands over her ears yelling “la la la la” at the top of her voice at any mention of feelings words is now using them to talk about her own feelings and to guess other’s feelings. And finally, this… the hardest feeling of them all to let ourselves feel: shame.

I’m sitting here writing this and marvelling at how far we’ve come as a family in just a few years. It takes commitment, it takes practice, it takes vulnerability and it takes courage but my god, it is so worth it!

The gift we can give our children is ourselves.

By fully showing up, being present, being open, being honest, being vulnerable, being brave…. we are giving them gifts that will stay with them all of their lives. The tools to cope, come what may, to seek meaning and purpose, joy and satisfaction, peace and connection.

What more could we want for our children?

printed with permission of my daughter

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Filippa Araki regularly facilitates workshops on Self-Compassion and Compassionate Communication (Nonviolent Communication, NVC). She has been teaching communication for 25 years, including 13 years in Higher Education. She has been doing intensive study and training in NVC and related work for several years and is not far off being certified as an international trainer.

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Befriending Ourselves – how to be more compassionate with ourselves

Our inner critic is loud and bossy. Have you ever stopped to listen to it?

“What did I do that for? I’m such an idiot!”

“I’m so fat!”

“I’ll never make anything of my life!”

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“I’ll never get this right!”

This inner critical voice has been with us since very early in our lives. It’s our most consistent companion. Maybe you’ve tried to change it with positive affirmation statements or to silence it through meditation, but it’s very hard to fool yourself or to shut this voice down and despite all your efforts, the inner critic is loud and clear and bossy as ever: “Yeah right! As if!” So you check to see if it’s 5pm yet: “Surely it’s time for my evening glass of wine!” or you reach for some chocolate or cake or some other comfort food and get lost in Facebook for a while. It’s much easier to numb.

What if you really started listening to this voice and what it has to say? What if you put on a different set of ears and listen through the negativity and criticism to what is really being expressed?

When your child says “He’s being mean to me!”, they’re really telling you that they are feeling sad and angry and would perhaps like your support to help them to feel safe or included with their friends. Our inner critic is the same – it’s using habitual language learnt in childhood. It just doesn’t know how else to express itself to you. And, like a child, we can turn towards this inner critic and really listen with compassion, love and curiosity.

So what can we do when we become aware of the loud ranting voice in our heads? Here are three quick tips to help you listen with compassion to your inner critic:

  1. BREATHE
    Pause and take a few deep breaths. This helps to calm your nervous system and slow things down.

  2. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
    The body talks and if we can slow down enough and start to notice the sensations, we can learn a lot about our inner world. We don’t have to do anything or analyse it, just to notice with gentle curiosity. Perhaps there is a contracting feeling in your stomach or your scalp is prickling. Try to stay with the sensation. A way to help you stay focused on the sensation is to describe it: Does it have a colour, shape, texture, thickness, etc? Just be with it.
  3. LISTEN WITH LOVE – Focus on Feelings & Needs
    This inner critic is a part of you that wants to be heard and loved, to be noticed and to matter. When your child comes crying to you saying that someone was mean to them at school, what do you do? You probably take them on your knee, give them a cuddle and make some soft, loving, compassionate sounds that let them know they are loved and that they matter and that you are here for them. This is what your inner critic needs too. Can you guess what feelings are underneath the harsh, negative language? Sadness? Frustration? Disappointment? What really matters here? What is the longing? What is important? What is needed? Love? Inclusion? Understanding?

The more we identify with the inner critic, the more we stay in a state of helplessness and disempowerment. Through slowing down, allowing, tuning into our bodies and really starting to listen, we can get more in touch with what really matters to us in our lives and then we start to make different choices and have more clarity when things aren’t going the way we hoped. The path to empowerment and really creating the life we want is through self compassion.

When we can be better friends to ourselves, we can be better parents, lovers, children, friends, neighbours, colleagues and citizens. A compassionate world is created by compassionate people and it starts with our relationship to ourselves.

Want to learn how to be more compassionate with yourself?

I regularly facilitate workshops on Self Compassion and Compassionate Communication. Check my Facebook page for the upcoming workshops.

Turning towards

turning towards

Saturday night. Both kids went on a sleepover. We had the night to ourselves. This is good practice for when we become empty nesters, I thought. We decided to have a bath and started to talk about a novel that we’d both been listening to. Somehow the conversation turned to the kids and his concern about the kids having a life of too much play and not enough structure.  

Many times I heard criticism. Many times, I heard messages of “You’re not …. enough” “You’re too….”. That isn’t what he said, but with a strong inner critic who is quick to hear blame and criticism that is what I heard. This time, I took a breath and I remembered.

Turn towards the discomfort, lean in, stay open, be curious. Tell me more, I said. What do you mean when you say that?, I asked. Are you saying …? Are you worried because …? Are you concerned about..? Are you wanting them to grow up with …?

There were times it got tense. We both got defensive. I can do this, I reminded myself. Keep trying. Stay open. Inquire. It ebbed and flowed. We reminded each other to lower our voices when we started to get loud and tense. And we navigated our way through. And at the end, the bath water was luke-warm and we both had new perspectives.

I realised that I would like to be more aware of their need for rest and downtime and not to always give in to their frequent requests for playmates and sleepovers every time they get bored. He had more of a sense of the importance of unstructured play for both children and adults. Also, that it’s ok for him to tell them what he needs and not just to prioritise to what they want in school holidays (he’s the daytime daddy).

He told me of beautiful memories from his childhood of making planes and boats from sticks, of cooking rice in the garden in a tin can and his longing for our kids to have experiences like this and not just a life of screens and technology ruling their free time.

And so we shared, we learned, we opened, we breathed, we grew and we came together in mutual understanding and wider perspectives. It was worth the discomfort and it was worth the risk.

Peanut brain

Copyright: nailiaschwarz / 123RF Stock Photo
Copyright: nailiaschwarz / 123RF Stock Photo

This week, listening to a wonderful interview with brain scientist Dr Jill Bolte-Taylor,  I learnt that our thoughts all originate from a cluster of cells in our left hemisphere which are the size of a peanut. It is our thoughts that trigger our feelings and make us unhappy.

“She ignored me!”, “He’s being selfish!”, “I’m not good enough”, etc.  Our peanut brain has a thought and this triggers a feeling. At this point we have a choice…. to feed the feeling (fan the fire) with further thoughts or recognise, allow, accept and empathise. Continue reading “Peanut brain”

Vision in daily life

26495716 - family heart hands icon
Copyright: Gloria Rosazza

I’ve spent a lot of time this year thinking about my core values, and trying to get a clearer vision of my life and how to really live in alignment with my values. I’m realising, it’s a moment to moment thing – in each moment, when the awareness is there, I can think: “is this what I want? is this the kind of world I want to live in?”.

This week has given me lots of opportunities to ponder this. My daughter broke her arm on Sunday when a branch she was climbing on broke. There were three other children present when she fell and two of the kids ran off after she fell. Continue reading “Vision in daily life”

Empathy is a gateway to Compassion

mum kayo and meEmpathy is a gateway to compassion. It’s understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for you — it’s a mode of relating. Compassion takes it further. It’s feeling what that person is feeling, holding it, accepting it, and taking some kind of action.

(quote from BigThink)

I like this article’s explanation of the difference between empathy and compassion – it’s something I’ve been puzzling over for a while. It now makes more sense to me why Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is also called Compassionate Communication. Continue reading “Empathy is a gateway to Compassion”